My mom was my best friend. She sacrificed a lot for my brother and I. When I was 3 years old she left my dad, my brother was 6 weeks old at the time. My mom was a harf worker but still had to go back to her parents to live. I remember living with grandma and Pa. My unlce also had just went through a divorse and he had custody of his two sons. One big happy family living under one roof, 3 bedroom 1 bath home. The bathroom was always in use. I guess that’s where being a male was useful for a number 1. I didn’t know at the time that my grandmother suffered from manic depression. I do however remember her always being in her pj’s and she smoked a lot. It was always cloudy in the kitchen. She was always kind to me. She was an artist. She painted all kinds of wood and ceramic. She had won all kinds of ribbons and trophies for her paintings. I have a few of them in my house. My step grandmother is a little stingy and wont give us any right now. My grandma has these saw paintings of beautiful fields and mountains with log cabins and the rocky river running threw. I mean beautiful paintings on these saw blades, I want those. Any way…back to my story. My grandma died when I was in the 5th grade. A few months before she had passed she gave me this ring. It was her birthstone and it was real gold. That was a big deal to me as a little girl. When she died I was so sad, but my mom was just devastated. I just couldn’t understand why my moma still cried way on after grandma had passed. My mom was also raised by her youngest aunt, grandmas little sister. My mom loved her I think more than her own moma. I had a wonderful childhood and my mom was a Shop Queen. She took me shopping every weekend. One time we got locked in the mall. I was so scared and mom was laughing. I was a CRAZY teenager and I mean I went bat shit nuts. I didn’t come home I hated all the rules, I ran away three times and the cops brought me back twice. The last time they took me home the cop told me ” Your about to be 16 and after that we cant bring you back no more, yor worrying your mother to death” Well he should not have told me that. Because shortly after that I moved in with my real dad but moma had had enough of my crap and was ready to see me move. She cried for me to come back but I was living the party life over at my real dads.I didn’t have any rules there except wash dishes and babysit. I met my now husband and I remember me and him had a rocky relationship which is a whole nothe blog post. But…. I had been dating Byron my husband on and off for about a year and a half and I got pregnant. Well I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time I had flu like symptons went to the dr and they tell me I have mono. So one night I called my mom and dad to come and get me I was sick of living rough and I needed to see a dr for this mono. They come and got me in the middle of the night. I found out a few days later I was pregnant. The doctor called my cell phone after blood work had come back and said ” Well good news, you don’t have Mono, Bad news…are you ready?? I said yes, he says ” Your pregnant”. I immediately got sick. I thought OMG my life is over. I immediately called Byron, we had been broke up for about 2 weeks. He of course was like I want a DNA test, which was fine with me I wasn’t a slut and knew who my baby daddy was. I went home and my moma was cooking rice a roni in a frying pan. You know how moms just know something isn’t right? Well she said “Amanda whats wrong” I just went to the bathroom and locked the door.I cried, and prayed and mom come to the door and said ” Are you on drugs?” I laughed and said No, its worse. She said Well damn whats worse than that? I just didn’t say anything. I herd her walk back to the kitchen. I come out the bathroom and and she had her back turned to me and I said mom I’m pregnant…She screamed and rice a roni went flying. I had never been such a disappointment o my mom. She was so mad, I mean cussing mad didn’t even want to look at me for a few days mad. I was involved in our church youth group since I was in 6th grade. I ventured off for about 2 years but would still go to church and some youth meetings when I was living with dad, but I knew in my heart I was not living for the Lord. I just went I guess for show I don’t know. But my mom said now we got to tell the church. So that Sunday night youth meet, we were all sitting there listening to the lesson and when the youth councler got done, my mom stood up and said Amanda has some news to share. I was so mad at her. But, I put my big girl panties on and went up there. I said I am very ashamed of myself, I was supposed to save my self for marraiage the way God intended but I have faied him and now I am pregnant. Everyone’s mouth dropped. I started crying. I said I am going to keep my baby, I am not having abortion nor will I give this baby up for adoption. I said God makes no mistakes and I am going to be a good mother to this baby and I guess do it alone. I had the biggest support group ever. Looking back I am so thankful my mom made me do that. I am so thankful she gave me tough love and let me go live in a trashy home and learn the hard way. I am a hard head and I had to learn on my own terms. I wish I would have listened to her and saved myself a lot of trouble haha. My husband was out of town on a fishing trip when Dillan was born. Oh I forgot Byron and I got back together when I was 6 months pregnant and I moved back in with him. Once again I broke momas heart, She had gotten excited by this point. Mom cut my sons cord after dilevery and I am so glad she was there to expierence that moment in my life. About two weeks after that mom started having sezuires and I mean like 30 aday. She eneded up spending two months at Duke Hospital. They found a lesion on the brain and said she would deal with this for the rest of her life but it was not cancer. So moma never got the chance to drive to my house 😦 They took her licence, and she got depressed. She had to depend on people for a ride from there on. About 5 years later the seziures were somewhat controlled with meds, She would still have about 2 a day. But they would be the blinking kind not the shake and pass out kind. The doctor said well the lesion has not grown in this many years lets start doing MRI every other year. Well during that year the lesion grew into a Glioblastoma brian tumor stage 4. We had went to the beach and mom had been there for two weeks already with her so called friend. She looked so weak and skinny when I got there, I said mom what is wrong with you? She said I don’t know I cant eat. She said I have not hardly ate in two weeks but I keep drinking water. The lady she was staying with locked her camper up so mom couldn’t get in and mom had brought herself some groceries. I went and asked the lady Could mom please go in and her her something to eat she needed to eat and the woman said No. Well I let her have a piece of my mind. Mom told me that the lady had not been nice to her ever since dad had left. I just didn’t understand. We were out on the beach playing and mom was laying in her chair I was in mine. My daughter who I have forgot to mention about was playing in the sand and the lady said Throw sand on Nannt. I said you better not I will whip you. The lady said ” Do it Brooke” I said do you want me to whip your ass because if my two year old throws sand on my moma I am going to through you in this sand” Needless to say we didn’t talk to her anymore and mom got her stuff out of that ladys camper. We had so much fun and that was the last vacation I had with mom. When she got back home she went to the doctor had all kinds of blood work and MRI. MRI comfimed brain tumor. That same week they did biopsy and it was Stage 4 Glioblastoma. They said 2 months to live with No treatment and 14 months with treatment. She decided to do the treatment. I had everyone I knew praying for her. I wanted to quit my job but they let me take off every Monday to take mom to chemo. She only had chemo every other Monday but I still went over there. I seriously let my friends go and spent every weekend at moms house. I knew she was terminal and time is something you cant get back. The chemo took a tole on her. I gave her a big surprise birthday party 120 people showed up 🙂 She was so happy!! She got smaller and smaller. She had taken my kids to build a bear and made them bears with her voice talking to them. In December of 2012 the doctor said the tumor has grown like tree roots throughout the brain and there is nothing more we can do. We will have to call hospice but in the mean time there is a hospital in Texas that has expiermental treatment. It cost $12,000.00 to send her brain tissue down there and airfair, for them to say We cant help you. I was mad that they shit my mom like that. Why did she send them money they said Yes we can help you fly down here, she flys down there and they say I’m sorry Jan we cant help you, and she flys back home, She cried to me because she wanted to see her grandkids grow up. But she was really excited to meet Jesus. Momas faith was Out of this world. She was not afraid of death, she knew she was going to heaven. I still had hopes that God could heal her but I read the hospice book and mom was already going through some of the end of life stages.She become paralyzed on the right side, you know the brain operates opposite sides. She became kind of like a demented person. I would catch her eating with her fingers, pouring drink on a napkin just weird things, She would stare off in deep thought. She got to where she had trouble talking. She got all 4 of her grandkids these story books to read to them with her voice. I still cant listen to my sons I get so choked up, but it ook 2 hours to do those books because she couldn’t read right and I was whispering in her ear what to say 🙂 She told me when I get my hospital bed I want you to get me a Pink comforter. Her fav color was pink. The church now has Pink Day for Jan every year! All I culd do was pray and cry.I was watching my mom slowly die. I told her I cant stand this, she said well at least you get to tell me bye, I didn’t get the chance to tell my mom bc she had a heart attack. I agree with her on that but its so hard. I am so glad I was ablr to be there with her during her last days. She laid in her hospital bed and looked peaceful. She had a drawn down face but it went away when she went into her finally resting stage. My aunt was staying with her at night to help my dad because I had a family and was still working. It was a Tuesday around 10:00 amd and I got a call at work. My aunt said you need to get here we cant get your moma to wake up. She wasn’t dead but in a deep sleep. I left and headed there it takes me an hour and 15 min normally, I got there in 45 min. They had her laying on the love seat because hospice was bring the bed that day. I remember putting my hand in moms and said Mom I’m here squeeze my hand if you know I’m here and she squeezed it hard. I starting crying. I said mom are you in pain if so squeeze my hand and she did. I really lost it then because I didn’t want her to die in pain. The intire chemo time she only had belly pain which was bad, but I wanted her not to be in any kind of pain. I called hospice nurse, they come out and brought the hospital bed and we got her I there. The insisted giving her morphine. I said she is allergic to that but they said that’s what they give. So I didn’t argue. They gave it to her and she started having seziures in the bed. The next day a black man preacher who my mom adored come by to pray with us. We were all standing around her bed and he ws praying and all of a sudden she started making noises and nodding her head, she could hear us but could not respond and she didn’t respond anymore after that. A hospie nurse come by the next day and took a pill out of moms pack in the fridge and said I will bring it back, well mom went in a seizure I call hospice and they said go to the fridge and get this pill out…well wouldn’t you know it was the pill that nurse had just taken out. I was so mad at that lady and I requested she not come back, she took my moms pill and gave it to another patient who needed it. Time was getting more near she got the death rattle and we kept singing over her bad her favoriate church songs. My real dad and my mom still loved each other and he called and said can I come by and say Bye? My step dad said no. Well I called him back later on that night around 10 and said come on if you your gonna come. He got there around 10:30 and cried, prayed over her and kissed her and left. 30 minutes later mom died. They say sometimes people wait on that certain person to die and I will belive with all my heart moma was waiting on my dad. We were singing as she took her last breath and when she did a tear from each eye come out. I had never seen anything like it before. I was like in disabelief. I couldn’t cry I just stared at her laying there white as a ghost, I picked her hadn up and it was cold and it just fell down when I released it. I went and laid in her bed and sobbed. It took the hospice nurse forever to get there so she was not pronounced dead until after 12 so her death date is 2/24/13. She had planned her own funeral, wrote her obituary and picked out the casket, the spray, her outfit, my outfit, my dads and my brothers. We didn’t even know this but her preacher lady friend and her had been keeping a journal of things she wanted said at her funeral. All I had to do was show up and decorate everything in Pink. Everyone wore pink to that funeral. Mom had picked out the music and it was such a happy funeral. We laughed did a little crying but mom wanted a Celebration of her Life not a sad boring funeral. And I think it was everything she could have wanted. We released the doves at the graveside. It was a sad special day. I don’t like going to the grave I don’t find it very comforting. I miss her so much. My life will never be the same. But I learned so much from Mom. One you cant take all this stuff with you no matter how much you have money and assets. Time is everything but most important Live for Jesus! Until we meet again! For some reason this will not let me spell check so I am sorry I know there is words not spelled right!