Going to Church don’t make you a Christian!

I love church, I love the Lord. I feel we are here to witness to people about God. Everyone is different. I believe in Jesus and his return. I believe in heaven and hell. What I don’t believe in is being two faced. I personally know people that live a different lifestyle at home and then go to church and participate in things which is good but is it for show or goodness? I’m not God, but I wonder why people do things like that.  My husband will not go with me to church. He went some as a kid not much. I went my whole life. When we got married back in 2005 I didn’t attend any where. I found a church, took my kids and started singing regularly. I would get so mad because my husband didn’t go with us. Now it’s 2016 and he still don’t go. Once in a while for a holiday. My point is however, you can go to church and be sincere and I do believe in people like that, but there are people there for show. My husband is a wonderful man  does good deeds for all the neighbors. He says he prayers at night and I just believe him. It’s between him and God. I have learned not to fuss at him about not going to church with me, it does no good and starts a argument. I want my family all together, but my kids now argue with me on Sundays and they say well dad is staying at home, why can’t I? So it makes it difficult. I don’t go every Sunday, we travel a lot on the weekend to our little getaway, but going to church does not justify your Christianity. You can pray and be sincere wherever. We are called to serve and it is very needed in church. If your not a member of a church there are other ways to serve. Serving can be done outside of the church. Meals on Wheels is serving, you are volunteering your time to take meals to the elderly. Any volunteer work that means something special for you is serving. 

Summer
2019

Failed Encounter
2019

Movement
2018

Retratos
2017

Disappearance
2016

First blog post

This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.

The Homeschool Life

With the uncertainty of Covid-19 our school system has went back and forth over the last year trying to make the best decision for our community’s children. They are pretty much virtual. My son is now is 10th grade, crazy isn’t it. The last time I was on here was in 2016…so a lot has happened, and that’s another blog post lol. He has learning disabilities and struggles so much in school. However he is not mentally disabled and they only have 1 class for EC students at his school. He just could not take being in the same class as some of the mentally delayed kids, and I totally understand. He liked the kids, but it was just a different level. So he went to regular classes with and IEP. Still he can not keep up, failing classes, and beating himself up. So I ordered a new homeschool curriculum and opened my homeschool back up. Went to my sons school and took him out…officially. That was 1 week ago. So far so good. I have done this before with both of my kids.

Both of my kids were homeschooled in elementary school. My son suffers from Alopecia and had broke his arm and had to have four surgeries on his arm. I ended up quitting my job to take care of him. My daughter was in kindergarten and Dillan was in 3rd grade when I started. Its definitely challenging but at the same time its rewarding. Did they miss school? Of course, that is why you have to make it fun for them. You are all they have. Now, in my opinion you need to let other people love your children. Why? They need to know love from someone other than mom or dad, and you could use a break. Your child will be ok. You trust who your leaving them with. Now if you have no one that is a totally different story. Homeschool parents…let your kids go spend the night with grandma. They will have fun. Get involved with a homeschool group, take field trips etc. You can find curriculum on eBay, Christian book store, fb groups, The Homeschool Room in Indian Trail just to name a few. Pinterest will be your friend for real. That social media site has so many wonderful ideas, just type what you want and something will come up. Good luck yall homeschool momas!

Dreams

I have the most vivid dreams ever. I sometimes wonder if I have a gift but not really! LOL. I am going to tell you some stories of a few of the dreams that I have had, they are very random and some are weird.

My grandma died when I was 10 and at the time of the dream I was 17 and pregnant. She appeared to me in my dead uncles bathroom. I said “OMG Grandma your hear” She was wearing the same kind of clothing and shoes she wore when she was alive. She had a marking on her left arm at the shoulder. It looked like she had been branded like a cow. I said “You have a tattoo?” She said “No, When you get to heaven God marks you so he can tell you apart” I was like wow, ok I’ve never heard of that one. She opened the door and looked into the living room and all of my other family was there. I said ” Go on out there” She said “I can’t, I have to go do my duties” I said “Duties?” She said ” Yes, when you get to heaven God gives you duties, now take care of that baby boy” And she was gone. I found out two weeks later I was having a baby boy!

My mothers brother died when I was 10 also in a four wheeler accident. I had never dreamed of him before. I was 18 years old and my husband and I and another couple decided to go ride the Hatfield McCoy trails in West Virginia. The night before we went I had a dream that my uncle was a road contruction worker that held the stop sign. When we pulled up to the sign I said ” Mike, your alive???” He said “Don’t go up there” And he pointed straight ahead. I said” I’m going home to tell everyone you are alive. Then my dream bounced back to being at the Bowling Alley in Albemarle and ll my family was there I told them he was coming to show us he was still alive. Why no one thought I was crazy is funny to me haha. But then my dream bounced back to being in the van and Mike holding the stop sign and once again he said the same thing to me. I woke up. I called my grandpa and told him about this and he said “That is a sign from God, don’t go ride four wheelers” I didn’t listen and we went. We are deep in the W.V mountians and my van breaks down. We sat on the side of the road for three hours before some fast corvette come flying by. I was waving my hands. He come back but there was only room for one more person in that type of car. My husbad said I’ll go. Well my friend at the time was pregnant. We had packed a cooler of drinks and had a few snacks. Our flip cell phones had no signal and then the batteries died. My husbad was gone for three hours. I was thinking all kinds of horrible things, we had drank all the waters in the cooler and we were getting worried. Finally my husband come back with a tow truck and another truck and we met some cool hillbillys! We were stranded there a week. All in all it was a good time we rode our four wheelers Everywhere…even on the road. We had permission from the local sheriffs dept.  I was glad when my mother in law, neighbor Rick and father in law come to get us.

I had a morbid dream about my mom shortly after she had passed away. In my dream my dad called and said ” We need to get to the hospital they said if we paint your mom she will come back to life” I was like well lets go. I remember going down to the morg and seeing mom lay there and there was two buckets of primer gray colored paint. I said well lets get started. I started painting her and She sat up and looked at me. I said OMG it worked!!!!! She said “Amanda Leave me Alone” I said mom your back..she said “Let it be” and I woke up. I think that was my mothers way of telling me She is in heaven and I need to let it be, she is not coming back.

This dream was this past week and it was weird and odd. I went to visit my mom and she was not there. I said Dad where is mom at? He said she is at the Chemo house. I said what is that? He said you know like the Hospice house but where she takes her chemo. I said well I got to go see her. He said well you cant they wont let you. I looked this number up in the phone book and called down there. A lady answered the phone and I told her who I was and who my mom was. She said nicely there is NO visiting hours here. I said well I have to tell my mom bye before she dies. All of a sudden I am back at my current home and I look out the kitchen window and everyones house around me is on fire. I went to my bathroom and my husbands grandpa was in there. No listen folks I have never met his grandpa because he died when my husband was a kid. But in my dream I acted like I knew him. I said well Hey, he said tell Byron to stop smoking it stinks” And I walked back into the kitchen and told Byron I had to go see my my but she was in Charlotte. He threw me the four wheeler keys and I got on the four wheeler and left. Next I am at this chemo house. It looked like jail to me. You know the little window you can peep threw and see inmates, well that’s the kind of window it was and I could see moma in there. She even waved at me and smiled. I said That’s my mom I have come to get her. They said you cant mam, she has to stay here. I said well ask her if she wants to go and they would not ask her. I said PLEASE, and I started screaming and then I woke up. Weird dream is all I can say

 

A few months ago I had dreamed about my mom, so far these are the only ones I have had. But I was a kid and we were somewhere and she kept rubbing my hair. I remember her talking to me but I don’t remember what it was about. But it was a happy dream. I miss my mom so much.

 

I’d like to meet that lady from Long Island Medium. Just to see what my mom had to say. We have a spirit that lives in our house and I will write about him another time!!!

 

Moma, My Best Friend

My mom was my best friend. She sacrificed a lot for my brother and I. When I was 3 years old she left my dad, my brother was 6 weeks old at the time. My mom was a harf worker but still had to go back to her parents to live. I remember living with grandma and Pa. My unlce also had just went through a divorse and he had custody of his two sons. One big happy family living under one roof, 3 bedroom 1 bath home. The bathroom was always in use. I guess that’s where being a male was useful for a number 1. I didn’t know at the time that my grandmother suffered from manic depression. I do however remember her always being in her pj’s and she smoked a lot. It was always cloudy in the kitchen. She was always kind to me. She was an artist. She painted all kinds of wood and ceramic. She had won all kinds of ribbons and trophies for her paintings. I have a few of them in my house. My step grandmother is a little stingy and wont give us any right now. My grandma has these saw paintings of beautiful fields and mountains with log cabins and the rocky river running threw. I mean beautiful paintings on these saw blades, I want those. Any way…back to my story. My grandma died when I was in the 5th grade. A few months before she had passed she gave me this ring. It was her birthstone and it was real gold. That was a big deal to me as a little girl. When she died I was so sad, but my mom was just devastated. I just couldn’t understand why my moma still cried way on after grandma had passed. My mom was also raised by her youngest aunt, grandmas little sister. My mom loved her I think more than her own moma. I had a wonderful childhood and my mom was a Shop Queen. She took me shopping every weekend. One time we got locked in the mall. I was so scared and mom was laughing. I was a CRAZY teenager and I mean I went bat shit nuts. I didn’t come home I hated all the rules, I ran away three times and the cops brought me back twice. The last time they took me home the cop told me ” Your about to be 16 and after that we cant bring you back no more, yor worrying your mother to death” Well he should not have told me that. Because shortly after that I moved in with my real dad but moma had had enough of my crap and was ready to see me move. She cried for me to come back but I was living the party life over at my real dads.I didn’t have any rules there except wash dishes and babysit. I met my now husband and I remember me and him had a rocky relationship which is a whole nothe blog post. But…. I had been dating Byron my husband on and off for about a year and a half and I got pregnant. Well I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time I had flu like symptons went to the dr and they tell me I have mono. So one night I called my mom and dad to come and get me I was sick of living rough and I needed to see a dr for this mono. They come and got me in the middle of the night. I found out a few days later I was pregnant. The doctor called my cell phone after blood work had come back and said ” Well good news, you don’t have Mono, Bad news…are you ready?? I said yes, he says ” Your pregnant”. I immediately got sick. I thought OMG my life is over. I immediately called Byron, we had been broke up for about 2 weeks. He of course was like I want a DNA test, which was fine with me I wasn’t a slut and knew who my baby daddy was. I went home and my moma was cooking rice a roni in a frying pan. You know how moms just know something isn’t right? Well she said “Amanda whats wrong” I just went to the bathroom and locked the door.I cried, and prayed and mom come to the door and said ” Are you on drugs?” I laughed and said No, its worse. She said Well damn whats worse than that? I just didn’t say anything. I herd her walk back to the kitchen. I come out the bathroom and and she had her back turned to me and I said mom I’m pregnant…She screamed and rice a roni went flying. I had never been such a disappointment o my mom. She was so mad, I mean cussing mad didn’t even want to look at me for a few days mad. I was involved in our church youth group since I was in 6th grade. I ventured off for about 2 years but would still go to church and some youth meetings when I was living with dad, but I knew in my heart I was not living for the Lord. I just went I guess for show I don’t know. But my mom said now we got to tell the church. So that Sunday night youth meet, we were all sitting there listening to the lesson and when the youth councler got done, my mom stood up and said Amanda has some news to share. I was so mad at her. But, I put my big girl panties on and went up there. I said I am very ashamed of myself, I was supposed to save my self for marraiage the way God intended but I have faied him and now I am pregnant. Everyone’s mouth dropped. I started crying. I said I am going to keep my baby, I am not having abortion nor will I give this baby up for adoption. I said God makes no mistakes and I am going to be a good mother to this baby and I guess do it alone. I had the biggest support group ever. Looking back I am so thankful my mom made me do that. I am so thankful she gave me tough love and let me go live in a trashy home and learn the hard way. I am a hard head and I had to learn on my own terms. I wish I would have listened to her and saved myself a lot of trouble haha. My husband was out of town on a fishing trip when Dillan was born. Oh I forgot Byron and I got back together when I was 6 months pregnant and I moved back in with him. Once again I broke momas heart, She had gotten excited by this point. Mom cut my sons cord after dilevery and I am so glad she was there to expierence that moment in my life. About two weeks after that mom started having sezuires and I mean like 30 aday. She eneded up spending two months at Duke Hospital. They found a lesion on the brain and said she would deal with this for the rest of her life but it was not cancer. So moma never got the chance to drive to my house 😦 They took her licence, and she got depressed. She had to depend on people for a ride from there on. About 5 years later the seziures were somewhat controlled with meds, She would still have about 2  a day. But they would be the blinking kind not the shake and pass out kind. The doctor said well the lesion has not grown in this many years lets start doing MRI every other year. Well during that year the lesion grew into a Glioblastoma brian tumor stage 4. We had went to the beach and mom had been there  for two weeks already with her so called friend. She looked so weak and skinny when I got there, I said mom what is wrong with you? She said I don’t know I cant eat. She said I have not hardly ate in two weeks but I keep drinking water. The lady she was staying with locked her camper up so mom couldn’t get in and mom had brought herself some groceries. I went and asked the lady Could mom please go in and her her something to eat she needed to eat and the woman said No. Well I let her have a piece of my mind. Mom told me that the lady had not been nice to her ever since dad had left. I just didn’t understand. We were out on the beach playing and mom was laying in her chair I was in mine. My daughter who I have forgot to mention about was playing in the sand and the lady said Throw sand on Nannt. I said you better not I will whip you. The lady said ” Do it Brooke” I said do you want me to whip your ass because if my two year old throws sand on my moma I am going to through you in this sand” Needless to say we didn’t talk to her anymore and mom got her stuff out of that ladys camper. We had so much fun and that was the last vacation I had with mom. When she got back home she went to the doctor had all kinds of blood work and MRI. MRI comfimed brain tumor. That same week they did biopsy and it was Stage 4 Glioblastoma. They said 2 months to live with No treatment and 14 months with treatment. She decided to do the treatment. I had everyone I knew praying for her. I wanted to quit my job but they let me take off every Monday to take mom to chemo. She only had chemo every other Monday but I still went over there. I seriously let my friends go and spent every weekend at moms house. I knew she was terminal and time is something you cant get back. The chemo took a tole on her. I gave her a big surprise birthday party 120 people showed up 🙂 She was so happy!! She got smaller and smaller. She had taken my kids to build a bear and made them bears with her voice talking to them. In December of 2012 the doctor said the tumor has grown like tree roots throughout the brain and there is nothing more we can do. We will have to call hospice but in the mean time there is a hospital in Texas that has expiermental treatment. It cost $12,000.00 to send her brain tissue down there and airfair, for them to say We cant help you. I was mad that they shit my mom like that. Why did she send them money they said Yes we can help you fly down here, she flys down there and they say I’m sorry Jan we cant help you, and she flys back home, She cried to me because she wanted to see her grandkids grow up. But she was really excited to meet Jesus. Momas faith was Out of this world. She was not afraid of death, she knew she was going to heaven. I still had hopes that God could heal her but I read the hospice book and mom was already going through some of the end of life stages.She become paralyzed on the right side, you know the brain operates opposite sides. She became kind of like a demented person. I would catch her eating with her fingers, pouring drink on a napkin just weird things, She would stare off in deep thought. She got to where she had trouble talking. She got all 4 of her grandkids these story books to read to them with her voice. I still cant listen to my sons I get so choked up, but it ook 2 hours to do those books because she couldn’t read right and I was whispering in her ear what to say 🙂 She told me when I get my hospital bed I want you to get me a Pink comforter. Her fav color was pink. The church now has Pink Day for Jan every year! All I culd do was pray and cry.I was watching my mom slowly die. I told her I cant stand this, she said well at least you get to tell me bye, I didn’t get the chance to tell my mom bc she had a heart attack. I agree with her on that but its so hard. I am so glad I was ablr to be there with her during her last days.  She laid in her hospital bed and looked peaceful. She had a drawn down face but it went away when she went into her finally resting stage. My aunt was staying with her at night to help my dad because I had a family and was still working. It was a Tuesday around 10:00 amd and I got a call at work. My aunt said you need to get here we cant get your moma to wake up. She wasn’t dead but in a deep sleep. I left and headed there it takes me an hour and 15 min normally, I got there in 45 min. They had her laying on the love seat because hospice was bring the bed that day. I remember putting my hand in moms and said Mom I’m here squeeze my hand if you know I’m here and she squeezed it hard. I starting crying. I said mom are you in pain if so squeeze my hand and she did. I really lost it then because I didn’t want her to die in pain. The intire chemo time she only had belly pain which was bad, but I wanted her not to be in any kind of pain. I called hospice nurse, they come out and brought the hospital bed and we got her I there. The insisted giving her morphine. I said she is allergic to that but they said that’s what they give. So I didn’t argue. They gave it to her and she started having seziures in the bed. The next day a black man preacher who my mom adored come by to pray with us. We were all standing around her bed and he ws praying and all of a sudden she started making noises and nodding her head, she could hear us but could not respond and she didn’t respond anymore after that.  A hospie nurse come by the next day and took a pill out of moms pack in the fridge and said I will bring it back, well mom went in a seizure I call hospice and they said go to the fridge and get this pill out…well wouldn’t you know it was the pill that nurse had just taken out. I was so mad at that lady and I requested she not come back, she took my moms pill and gave it to another patient who needed it. Time was getting more near she got the death rattle and we kept singing over her bad her favoriate church songs. My real dad and my mom still loved each other and he called and said can I come by and say Bye? My step dad said no. Well I called him back later on that night around 10 and said come on if you your gonna come. He got there around 10:30 and cried, prayed over her and kissed her and left. 30 minutes later mom died. They say sometimes people wait on that certain person to die and I will belive with all my heart moma was waiting on my dad. We were singing as she took her last breath and when she did a tear from each eye come out. I had never seen anything like it before. I was like in disabelief. I couldn’t cry I just stared at her laying there white as a ghost, I picked her hadn up and it was cold and it just fell down when I released it. I went and laid in her bed and sobbed. It took the hospice nurse forever to get there so she was not pronounced dead until after 12 so her death date is 2/24/13. She had planned her own funeral, wrote her obituary and picked out the casket, the spray, her outfit, my outfit, my dads and my brothers. We didn’t even know this but her preacher lady friend and her had been keeping a journal of things she wanted said at her funeral. All I had to do was show up and decorate everything in Pink. Everyone wore pink to that funeral. Mom had picked out the music and it was such a happy funeral. We laughed did a little crying but mom wanted a Celebration of her Life not a sad boring funeral. And I think it was everything she could have wanted. We released the doves at the graveside. It was a sad special day. I don’t like going to the grave  I don’t find it very comforting. I miss her so much. My life will never be the same. But I learned so much from Mom. One you cant take all this stuff with you no matter how much you have money and assets. Time is everything but most important Live for Jesus! Until we meet again! For some reason this will not let me spell check so I am sorry I know there is words not spelled right!

Fathers

Is your father important to you? Most likely he is, if he is apart of your life. When I was a kid my father chose to leave my mom, myself and my brother. He was a dope head, drunk rock band kind of man. He would promise he would come get us and then never show up. Those weekend visits become fewer and fewer and eventually I just saw him once a year at Christmas and most of the time he was drunk and mean. I loved to hear him play the guitar and sing. That is where I get my singing talent from. When I was 4 years old my mother remarried my step dad. We become very close and when I was 8 years old he legally adopted me. They promised my last name would not change, but it did. That was a big adjustment for me and my friends. Moma wanted all of us to have the same last name. Through the years I learned my step dad was a control freak it was his way or the highway. I became rebellish and at age 16 my mother told me if I wanted to live trashy like my real dad to go live with him, so I did. I was so excited. I had only lived with him as a small child and had no rememberance of it. I soon learned that dad and his girlfriend got drunk like everyday and I was just a baby sitter for my siblings. I had to call 911 twice in nine months. My dad was beating my step mom and said he was going to kill her. I ran down stairs and called 911. Dad went to the door with a gun and said ” Who called the law on me” The cop said ” The neighbors” well dad knew that was a lie because we didn’t even have neighbors at the time. He knew it was me. He went to jail and they took my step mom also. So here I was 16, scared to death with my two siblings and step sister. I called my grandma bc I was scared and didnt know what to do. The police would not let us stay there, they found drugs in dads gun safe and they destroyed our house…guess who had to clean that house?? Me…because I am the one who caused all of this, or so that is what dad said to me. He said he would never speak to me again because he could not believe his own kid would call the law on him. My mother had no clue of this or she would have made me move back. After that night Dad and my step mom split for the final time. And that is when stuff really got bad. Dad got hooked on crack, he didnt pay the water bill one time and we had no running water in the house. We had no food, I would call my mom and ask her for grocery money and she got mad and said come back home to live. I didnt want to because of my step dad. One night dad was partying with his crack head friends all up into the night, me and my brother and sister had to go to school. I remember him coming to my room at 3am and waking me up to take him to go pick up someone. I didnt want to, but when you get slapped in the face and told you better…well needless to say I did what I was told. How about I went and got a nasty skanky whore. Yep what man gets his teenage daughter to go get a whore? My dad. The next morning I got up for school and the lady was gone. I was so embarrassed. I smoked my first joint with my dad. I mean I could never imagine offering my kid weed, just saying. dad slapped my glasses off my face. So I moved out and my brother and sister were devastated because I was their comforter and the one person they could rely on since their mother had left them at a small age. Dad was raising them by him self. Well shortly after that my dad decided he would run off with the Carnival and be a Carnie and travel with those nasty looking carnival people. Well after two weeks we hadnt hered from dad and dss said I would have to get costudy of my siblings or they were going to take them. So you do what you got to do and I took them in. I got a job at Goddys making $7.50 per hour. I got food stamps to help buy us food. The first time my husband had to get onto my brother for bad behavior he got mad and ran off and we couldn’t find him. He had called his mothers brother that lived in South Carolina to come get him. It was just crazy to say the least. Well that was about 11 years ago. A lot has happened in 11 years. By the Grace of God my dad got saved and quit everything all at once and has been sober for 3 years and is a active member in his church and leads the choir. He is finally using his talents to serve the Lord! I am so happy and proud of him. I didn’t ever think I would have a normal sober dad! My step dad has continued to stay in my life after the death of my mom. When he adopted me and my biological brother ( not the brother and sister that lived with me, they are my half siblings) he was so happy and proud. He has Never not one time introduced us has his step kids it was always these are my kids. He and my mother were both very active in the church and were very good role models growing up. He had money and I never went with out. I get upset sometimes because I cant provide the Nicer things in life like my parents could afford for me and my brother. He coached all my ball teams through my youth. I can honestly say I had a good child hood, my teen years were crazy. I got caught up with the crazy pill head croud after I moved out and was drinking a lot and taking pills just to get high. One night in the middle of the night I called my step dad to come and get me I wanted to change my life, well actually I called my mom and they both come and got me. I had been sick and the doctors thought I had Mono. Come to find out I was preganat at 17 years old. I was upset, my life was about to change forever. My husband and I had broke up and life sucked at that moment. I did a lot of praying and everything worked out with my husband and I. My I knew I could always count on my step dad. Now its like he and my real father have switched roles. Not drug wise. My dad met this ghetto nasty gold digger at a whore house in Charlotte. He lied to me for a year and a half. I found out he refinanced and paid for home and gave this woman his money. Took out a loan to get her a restaurant in Boston MA. Sent her kids $25,000.00 to move to FL and get an apartment and grow weed. I was FURIOUS. I mean 25 grand could pay off my house. Why in Gods creation would you help strangers with that kind of money and not even help your kids. I went to get my money that my mom had left me when she died and he gave it to that lady. I just trusted my father and let him keep the money in mine and his joint account. And get this BB&T bank will not let me take my name off the bank accounts even though he is writing bad checks, Aint that a load of BS? Since I am not the one who opened the account I can take my name off. My dad is about to loose his home that he has lived in since he was 2 and he his now 62. His business that he worked so hard for all these years all over a whore. Its crazy what sex will do isn’t it. I said Dad. It cant possibly be that good haha..as well as a lot of other not so nice words. I mean use your freaking head on your shoulders not the one between your legs! But even though I don’t agree with him I still love him. I will always call him dad. I chose my step dad to walk me down the isle when I got married because he is the man that raised me. My real dad sang at my wedding, I wanted them both to be apart of my special day. I don’t go and visit as often as I should. We live an hour and 15 min away from one another, but that’s not why I don’t go. When my mom died that place just isn’t the same. I have asked him to move closer to us, I hope one day he will. He suffers from depression and that worries me too. But I got blessed with two dads and I am so glad. I have expierenced good and bad with both and still have so much to type but my wrist are tired now!!! Have a good night, and keep your fathers tight with ya. Every person needs to feel loved by their dad, and have the dad figure in their life.

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